Just like the best of you, I’ve lived in some messy slums in my time. In flats where bathrooms are cleaned just a couple of times a year, and ovens given a quick once-over only when bags are packed and a deposit at stake. But suddenly now, on the other side of the world, I have discovered the secret to keeping things spick and span with seemingly no effort, and which I will now share with you so your own shacks can radiate like mine. Apart from the obvious measure of living alone (thereby removing all the multitude of communal cleaning grey areas) the following is essential:
1) Get ants: The incentive to wash dishes and wipe surfaces is raised ten-fold when you know that a single dirty plate left a couple of hours will increase the population of your room one thousand-fold. The ants here are tiny, barely pinpricks and nothing like the giant-jawed pincing ants of south America. But they act fast and they act en masse, as I found to my peril when I awoke on the first morning and discovered my kitchen sideboard a heaving mass of the little bastards. A stitch in time saves nine thousand ant lives.
2) Get a gecko: Mistakenly (or unavoidably) leave a door open here for a few seconds and again, you find yourself with a roomful of unwanted guests. Geckos are the solution to the problem of moths, mosquitoes and cockroaches (dead and alive), and are my new heroes. Like the Solomanders themselves they are shy as a coconut, but a couple of times a day I happily catch sight of one translucently flitting on by like a lizard ghost, and am left pondering how to get Mr and Mrs Gecko to make some Gecko pikinis.
3) Get a housegirl: Before you all gasp and call me a neo-colonialist, everyone here (from the poorest to the richest) has a housegirl to cook, clean, wash clothes and dig the cassava patch. As a rule this is simply one of the many unemployed wantak who have descended on the poor individual unlucky enough to have found work, and rather than just sit about at home they are expected to do a bit to help (unpaid obviously). Fair enough. With my wantak a couple of oceans away I am forced to borrow my neighbour’s auntie’s cousin’s friend two days a week, who I pay about 2 quid for a day’s work (double the going rate I might add). In exchange for this bounty Jenny gets to mop my floors and clean my clothes. By hand. In cold water. (I did consider taking responsibility myself for this last task but after no deliberation I reluctantly decided against it). I, on the other hand, get to return home on Mondays and Thursdays to a haus that shines like old man Gecko’s bald spot.
So there you have it. Who’d have thought eh? Ants, geckos and housegirls. The perfect combination.
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9 comments:
Me, Miche, Connell, and Clem are sitting here, watching your blog as it happens and lamenting we cannot be there with you to share the coconuts or the guavas, or that you cannot be here to share the dregs of our white wine. xxxxx us.
An unlikely, motley collection of individuals indeed. But notably, all sharing a passion for the dregs of white wine, and each and every one a gem whom I miss. Miche, I've been trying to email you for ages, but seems like your eaddress is "buggarup" as they say here. Get in touch, I miss you.
Love to you all, Will
I want a gecko... We have too many moths already.
Not loving the fast-paced life of London when I hear about the Solomander style, very jealous of the gin and tonic and of course the gecko.
Just had a meeting with the Bangladesh High Commissioner- ooohh look at me! I was the dweeble in the corner making notes.
Keep up the superior blogging blogger boy, taken to it like a kipper to smoking (pipes)
Joe xxxxxxxx
Tsk, Gecko Shmeko that's what I say!!
In Braaaaaazil we had resident Mr maggot(s), kindly enought he'd(they'd) turn up every time we were too lazy to clean up our microwave scrambled eggs bowl. OUR Geckos on the other hand were a classier sort of customer, they had a taste for caipirinha and would make an appearance after we got too battered to wipe our sticky limey sideboards. You should try it!
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Ps- who said the spirit of charity was dead! You're obviously doing wonders for the natives with the £2 you're selflessy pouring into the Solos' economy.
Keep forgetting my password for this bloody blog thing, every time i post i create a new one, by now i have about 29 million! xx
JoeE.
If you want a gecko, talk to Lew (our resident expert). In a nutshell, however, he says the following should do the trick: a rock in the sun to bask on, a nice plant to hide in, leaves in soil to tuck their eggs under and a little tray of honey to sup from (though according to my sis, caipairinha spillages here and there should also do the trick).
Have you got Johnny's email address?: his Gecko/Ekno/Ecko one no longer seems to be working.
Em.
Haha. A drunk Gecko sounds like a right laff. I'll have to try it some time. Maybe their suckers will stop working and I'll have geckos sliding down the walls.
And Em, it's not rocket science. You don't have to create an identity each time (though I'm enjoying reading the names of all your blogs...stuff, shtuff and now schtuff). Just click on "other" instead of signing in and you can type your name in each time.
W xx
Hang on- A rock to bask on, somewhere to hide, a pile of leaves, something sweet to sup up- are you sure you're not talking about Pwuggers?! xxx
Hey yo Will-Accidently come across ya blog. Im a born and bred Solo baka bata have lived more than half my age in Aussie and NZ and now have a lead consultant!!.Funny oketa white felas here suprised to see a soloman surpervising them!!! You description to Solo is one i have'nt heard from a white fella before. Acurate and true brow. Its always good to see how others see SI. Keep up the good work man. REading your articles I realised how much i have come through with my professional work and communications!! yEAH THE stare at the foot thing! hehehe-Last week i was back there and asked the hotel waitress lady-she did the same!!!
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